May 2010 be for you...

…what 2009 was for…Taylor Swift, the New York Yankees, Lady Gaga, GLEE, Tar Heels, Mark Ingram, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, Alicia Keyes, Albert Pujols, Don Draper, Vera Farmiga,Alele, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Sean Penn, Kyle Bush, Twitter, John Mayer, Comic-Con, Kate Winslet, Diane Sawyer, Dan Brown, LeBron James, Penelope Cruz, MODERN FAMILY, Toni Collette, THE HANGOVER, Cherry Jones, Alex

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This year in this blog

Here are a few of my favorite posts from the past year.The Academy Awards are always an easy target. This was my review.In March I was all a-Twitter. No wonder you're not following me.Lots of good reaction when I take nostalgic look back at studios I've worked at. This was Paramount.Readers either loved or hated my AMERICAN IDOL reviews. So you'll either love or hate this one.And then Paula

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My pick for movie of the year

I don’t see every movie that comes out. I used to. But then I just reached that point where I realized it was stupid to see everything just because I was in the industry. I think that moment came ten minutes into WHAT WOMEN WANT.I mention this because when I tell you what I think is the best movie of the year it is with the disclaimer that there be something better that I just haven’t seen. I

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Sherlock Holmes -- one bad ass m***f***er

Sherlock Holmes is not an action hero. That’s like the Hunchback of Notre Dame being a romantic lead or Santa Claus being a Zionist leader. The element that separates Sherlock Holmes from other detectives is that he uses his superior intellect and powers of deductions to solve crimes and that compensates for not having physical gifts. See, it’s elementary.Holmes is not England’s 19th century

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December in Hawaii

The Levines are home from another fabulous trip to Maui, “land of sunshine, Kindles, and tattoos”. Now that my wife has received her doctorate I noticed the Samoans treated her with much more respect this year. At various times we were also joined by our son Matt (the Apple Design Engineer of our eye) and daughter Annie (Dorothy Parker without the psychotic episodes). The above picture was

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L.A. is so much better without people!!

The best week of the year in Los Angeles is always this one, the final seven days of the year. More property taxes and obligations are on tap for me in January but here in the waning days of December I can bask in the glory of the city that Zorro once called home.First of all, the town is practically empty. Most people from the industry are gone, terrorizing the help in Hawaii and Aspen. There’s

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Some classic Malapropos!

I can’t speak for the accuracy of these Goldwynisms, but Jesus, if only half of them are true at least that’s a majority! SAMUEL GOLDWYN QUOTESSamuel Goldwyn (1882–1974) was an Academy Award and GoldenGlobe Award-winning producer, also a well-known Hollywoodmotion picture producer and founding contributor of several motionpicture studios. His inferior English language skills led to many ofhis

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Movies I would see before IT'S COMPLICATED

HOSTELHOSTEL 2GIGLIHOWARD THE DUCKBATTLEFIELD EARTHCATWOMANWITLESS PROTECTIONSANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANSAN ALAN SMITHEE FILM: BURN HOLLYWOOD BURNKAZAAMSTAYING ALIVENORTHJUDGE DREDDTHE 13TH WARRIORTREASURE PLANETGODS AND GENERALSSAHARASTEALTHZYZZYX ROADGLITTERFROM JUSTIN TO KELLYLEONARD PART 6FREDDY GETS FINGEREDDISASTER MOVIEMIXED NUTSMYRA BRECKINRIDGETHE CONQUERORAll ABOUT STEVEDADDY DAY

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Jack Bauer interrogates Santa Claus

MERRY CHRISTMAS everybody!!

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A Mommy Dearest Merry Christmas to you all!

May your family have as wonderful a Christmas as Joan Crawford's.And what holiday celebration in the Crawford home would be complete without this heartwarming scene?MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

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When NOT to take down your Christmas decorations

This is my friend Kevin’s house in the residential San Fernando Valley. He’s Jewish but loves to celebrate the colors and lights of the season. This tradition began (as most things do) because his girlfriend at the time really loved Christmas decorations.There’s not another house on his block even remotely as elaborate. I bet you can see Kevin's house from space.Now the question always arises

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My favorite cheesy TV Christmas Special

Here's a holiday excerpt from the book I'm writing about growing up in the 60s. I still can’t fathom why anyone watched the ANDY WILLIAMS variety show on NBC if they didn’t own a color TV. It was so wholesome your teeth ached. Whatever “edge” the show had was provided by the Osmond Family. But it was in color and production numbers always featured grinning All-American yahoos in brightly

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Netflix pick of the month: SMILE

Since it’s the holiday season I thought I’d suggest a comedy that is cynical, unsentimental, not for kids, and features a Klan type meeting. SMILE from 1975 is a largely undiscovered gem.It’s all about a cheesy beauty contest in Santa Rosa, California. We follow the contestants (who are blessed with such talents as suitcase packing), the organizers, and some pre-teens trying to sneak peeks at

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Christmas in Las Vegas

As you prepare for Christmas and all the holiday traditions, take a moment to reflect on the true meaning of the season. And nowhere is that more present than in Vegas -- Bethlehem with slots. Here's my holiday travelogue from a few Decembers ago. Gather up the whole family and enjoy.Deb and I just got back from a brief weekend in Las Vegas, or, as I like to call it, "Three Card Monty for the Red

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The best music video of the year

This is the most satisfying music video of the year. A musician, Dave Carroll, watched as United Airlines baggage handlers destroyed his custom Taylor guitar. For a year he tried to get them to pay for the damages and they told him to go fuck himself. He told them he was going to make a music video exposing them. They said, "Good luck with that one, pal."So he did. And he posted it on

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How to drive your actors completely insane

Aloha. Here is some last minute Friday Q & A’s before Christmas. If you have a question, send it my way via the comments section. Mahalo.LD wonders:Often syndicated programming will shoot promos with the cast where they mention the name of the local station. Can you shed some light on how this goes down? How many of these are typically done in a year? At what point does everyone start to go

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The year I got fired at Christmas

One of the many reasons I became a writer is that I got tired of being fired as a disc jockey. Today marks the 35th anniversary of the last time I signed off my show with “see you tomorrow” and was never heard from again.1974, I’m Beaver Cleaver on KSEA, San Diego, playing “The Night Chicago Died” and “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” five times a night and seriously considering blowing my brains out. Yes,

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My open letter to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,I see the number of mistresses you’ve had is now 14 and counting. It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, but cheating on 13 mistresses, have you no decency, sir?!Did you really think you wouldn’t be caught? 14 times? News flash: One of the big reasons women want to sleep with you is so they can TELL PEOPLE THEY’RE SLEEPING WITH TIGER WOODS. Don’t you have anybody advising you?

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I want my MTV

Here’s another great real-life MAD MEN story. This Don Draper is named George Lois. He was a Madison Avenue star in the late 50s, early 60s. He came up with the Volkswagen “Think Small” campaign in 1960 (for the nine of you who remember it). He also dreamed up with the name “Lean Cuisine”.When MTV was launched in 1981 it had a tough time getting off the ground. A few cable outlets in

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When CBS made lovely promos

Hard to believe it's the same network as the one airing this ad.This is from 1966. What a difference 43 years makes. (Thanks to friend of the blog Arlen Peters for alerting me to this.)

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Why does anyone go to an NFL game?

Okay, I’m from L.A. and we have no NFL team. So I know I’m not your typical fan. And today I watched games from Maui. But still, I’ve always wondered, as we’re now in Decemeber --Why does anybody GO to football games when it’s freezing, snowing, raining, hailing, or all of the above? The games are on TV. In HD. You get closer angles, you get replays, you get that yellow line! How can we

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The gifts you can't return

One clear sign that it’s Christmas in LA is that you see more TV show jackets. For years that has been the Christmas gift of choice for staffs of television series. Which if fine if you work on THE OFFICE, not so fine if you work on WORLD'S BIGGEST LOSER.You feel a little bit like a schmuck anyway, wearing a show jacket, like you’re bragging, hoping to impress “the chicks”. Trust me, an AMISH IN

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YOU supply the headlines

From time to time I like to present audience participation posts. These are actual news stories that just cry out for headlines. Have at 'em, dear readers. Leave them in the comments section. And as always, thanks for playing. ****Among the health-insurance upgrades demanded by Philadelphia-area transit workers and agreed to by the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority in

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A jaw dropping CBS ad. Not a joke. They really aired this

CBS Cares. This aired on How I Met Your Mother. Watch CBS Videos Online

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Hanukkah in Santa Monica

Hanukkah (however the hell you spell it) begins tonight. What better way to celebrate than with a traditional Hanukkah song? Here's HANUKKAH IN SANTA MONICA by the brilliant Tom Lehrer.

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Am I related to Chuck Lorre?

Aloha from Hawaii. It’s Friday Question Day, even observed here on the islands.Sacul wonders:I always like to read the credits on my fave shows. Are any of the Levines (or Lorre) related to you or each other?Nope. Not related to Chuck Lorre (Levine is his real last name), Laura Levine, Emily Levine, or actor Kenny Levine. I wish I was related to Chuck’s money though.Scott Siegel is looking

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Our casting nightmare Part III

More on our snake-bitten CHARACTERS pilot for NBC in 1979. Okay, we cast the girl. Maggie Roswell. But now we needed the guy who would be her comedy partner. Details of the pilot premise here.As with the girl, we saw a bunch of guys – some incredibly talented – and Matriarch nixed them all. After she shit all over the screen tests she gave us the name of the couple she wanted. The

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RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER

People ask why don’t I branch out into hour television. I tell them I’m certainly open to the prospect but need just the right vehicle. And finally I’ve found it. Don’t steal this now. I’ll be pitching the major networks and NBC when I get home from Hawaii.It’s a police drama inspired from an article I read recently in the New York Times. Apparently the police department in Helena,

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The Hour of Not Quite Rain

Here's another excerpt from my book about growing up in the 60s. It's 1967, the summer of love in Los Angeles.In the spirit of freedom and “do your own thing” KHJ radio devised an ingenious contest. Listeners were invited to send in original song lyrics and the winning entry would be put to music and appear on the next Buffalo Springfield album. Every hour the Bossjocks read another finalist

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The casting nightmare continues

Welcome back to hell. Yesterday I explained how we wanted Andrea Martin for the lead in our 1979 NBC pilot CHARACTERS and the network casting VP, "Matriarch" wanted Toni Tennille.The pilot was greenlit in February, scheduled to film in April, and be in consideration for NBC’s fall line-up. But these casting impasses forced us to push back to October. The rippling effect of problems that

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Andrea Martin and Toni Tennille vie for the same role

This is sort of a follow-up to a post from last week when I mentioned that we wanted to cast Andrea Martin in a pilot and the network nixed it. They wanted Toni Tennille instead. This will be the first in a series of stories about this ill-fated project that I will sprinkle in over the next few weeks. I can’t write them all at once. I’ll have Viet Nam flashbacks.Today I’ll just focus on

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What to get the person who has everything and is weird?

Here are a couple of fabulous Christmas gift ideas.Tired of having to buy those $.49 rolls of toilet paper? Now for only $800 you can get a new state-of-the-art computerized toilet seat. With the push of a button on your handy remote, your caboose will get washed and dried while you remain seated in luxury on your heated toilet seat.I’m not kidding.It’s perfect for really lazy people or Captain

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Great Vin Scully calls

Vin Scully will be back in the booth calling Dodger baseball for the 61st season.Thanks to Rob Adams here are some classic Vin Scully calls.

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My favorite Dharma

There always seems to be a raging debate whenever I bring up Jenna Elfman. As you know, I'm a fan. Here's an example of why; an episode I directed her in. I think she's very funny, regardless of what whacko religion she believes in. Of the DHARMA & GREGS I directed (helmed, megged), this is my favorite. A truly novel idea for a story. It was also fun going to San Francisco and filming the

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Were there subplots on MASH you didn't know about?

Aloha from Hawaii. Taking a break from surfing those 100 foot waves to answer a Friday question or three.From Charlotte:I've been hearing this as a rumor for decades, that there was a C storyline written into every episode of M*A*S*H specifically so that it could be cleanly cut out to shorten the episodes for syndication without affecting the A and B storylines. People have been telling me my

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Filming in Hawaii

Off to Hawaii where so many great television shows have been filmed. It’s not just BIG WAVE DAVE’S. There have been others. Speaking of “others”, LOST films there. They’re probably close to concluding the series. If I see a giant blinding light and suddenly I’m in 1945 I’ll know why.But you forget how many great shows were filmed in America’s 50th state. I’m pretty sure HAWAII FIVE-O. And

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The Tiger Woods Car Crash -- Taiwanese re-enactment.

There's Tiger's story and TMZ's story. You decide.This is from a Taiwanese news show. It's pretty damn definitive if you ask me.

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Stars I claim to have discovered even though I really didn't

Anyone who has been producing TV series for any length of time will have similar stories. They can look back at actors they worked with or hired that since became big names. Here are some of mine.Shelley Long – played a nurse once in MASH when I was there. I don’t remember much except she looked very cute in army fatigues.Rita Wilson – same thing. Also cute in army fatigues. Worked with her

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A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS meets MAD MEN

A holiday tradition is A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and we pretty much have a Mad Man to thank for it. John Allen was a Don Draper at McCann-Erickson in the mid 60s. On behalf of Coca-Cola he was lobbying for Charlie Brown. It would be the first animated adaptation of Charles M. Schultz’s classic PEANUTS comic strip. But Allen had to really twist arms because in typical fashion, CBS hated

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Does THUNDERBALL still hold up?

You know it’s the holiday season when there are James Bond marathons on every cable network except Oxygen. Caught one I hadn’t seen in years – THUNDERBALL from 1965. I saw it originally at Grauman’s Chinese Theater on the big BIG screen. I remember loving it at the time. From the stirring THUNDERBALL theme sung by Tom Jones I was hooked. So I wondered, did it hold up after all these years?

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Speed Dating for Writers

A question I’m always asked is “how do you find a writing partner?”. I met mine in the army but I sure don’t recommend that method. The WGA has come up with a nifty idea. Speed Dating. Just like the social version with the same success rate of getting laid. Every so often the Guild sponsors evenings for writers looking for that perfect scribe mate. I’ve never been to one of course, but I imagine

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My Thanksgiving Tradition... and tribute to Soupy Sales

This is believe it or not, a Levine Thanksgiving tradition. It began one year when we had too many desserts and I made the mistake of asking my wife what she wanted to do with the cream pie. Soupy, this one's for you.If you haven't read my left-overs, please check them out before they spoil. Thanks.

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Holiday weekend left-overs

Our family table on Thanksgiving night…Did anyone notice the Sears commercial on MODERN FAMILY this week? An African-American couple is standing before a store clerk and asking, “Is it Black Friday yet?” Between that and Fizbo the Clown on MF I had my two biggest laughs of the month.Don't know about your town but here in mellow LA we had full-out brawls at two Wal Marts among shoppers on Black

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Has anyone ever REALLY hated one of our scripts?

It’s Friday Question day – something to read on your cellphone while you stand in line at 5 A.M. waiting for Sears to open.From Ref:The cast of "The Office" consists in large part of many of the show's writers. Is this kind of doubling common? What would the chemistry be like between the writer/actors and those who just get paid to act?It seems rather uncommon for sitcoms. On sketch shows like

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My Thanksgiving tradition: THE HONEYMOONERS

We all have our own cherished Thanksgiving traditions. Enjoying Grandma’s famous stuffing recipe (which oddly tastes a lot like Stove Top), the game of touch football on the lawn (they still talk about the year Uncle Ed’s stitches came loose), weird cousin Marla’s holiday decorations (festive paper turkeys with hatchets), everyone bringing their favorite dish, renewing the argument over whether

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Happy Thanksgiving!!

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The worst Thanksgiving song ever!

From Bacharach & David no less. This is from their musical PROMISES PROMISES. There are some brilliant songs in that show and then...there is "Turkey Lurkey Time" and it's even more horrifying than that title. Get ready to throw a drumstick at your monitor. Truly, what were they thinking???

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The nightmare of writing the Thanksgiving episode

Thanksgiving. I look forward to the holiday, never writing about it. Every sitcom I’ve ever worked on, we’ve had the obligatory Thanksgiving episode. How many variations can you have on the big family dinner going awry? I think I’ve written the “turkey gets burned”, “relatives clash”, “nutty friends invited”, “can’t find a restaurant”, “kids break something”, “Guess who’s Coming to Dinner

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How to make $$$$ off the internet

Yes, I admit it. I read WRITTEN BY. It’s the WGA’s bi-monthly magazine. Every writer I’ve ever worked for or with has been on the cover at one time or another. I’m the only Guild member I know who hasn’t been featured. So I produced AfterMASH. I didn’t kill anybody, okay?!Still, I always find interesting articles and columns. There’s the obligatory profile of the “hot” writer who is so

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The most insane Japanese Game Show EVER

"I'll take 50 girls in bikinis for a hundred, Alex." Japanese Human Slip-n-Slide - Watch more Funny VideosHow has Fox missed this one?

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Random thoughts about stuff

People were camped out in front of the theater in my neighborhood for three days to see the first showing of NEW MOON. Uh, it’s not a once-in-a-lifetime event or concert. It’s a MOVIE. It stays the same. It’s not like if you wait until next week Nancy Pelosi and Joe Lieberman will be playing the title roles.Similarly, a gas station on Moorpark in the valley was charging $2.85 for regular last

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A holiday tradition: my Thanksgiving Travel Tips!

The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here again -- and with a few additions -- are some travel tips:Leave for the airport NOW. Don't wait until the last week .Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge

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Who played guitar on BECKER?

It's Friday Question Day on Saturday. Also an excuse to show an episode of BECKER I wrote and directed.LeeFranke wonders:"Who is playing guitar between the scenes on TV's Becker?"I asked the source, Bruce Miller, who composed the theme and did all the music on BECKER (along with FRASIER and a million other shows -- Bruce is the best!)Ken...........the guitarist is my son Jason Miller. A short

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Happy Birthday Rocky & Bullwinkle!

Thanks to friend of the blog, Bob Elisberg for reminding me that yesterday Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose turned 50. Their show premiered on ABC on November 19, 1959. Robert DeNiro almost killed them a few years ago in his sort-of live-action movie of the dynamic duo. But neither DeNiro, or Boris Badanov, or Natasha (who had great knockers for a cartoon character – better even than

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Holiday Movie Preview Part 3

Friday's question has been pushed back till tomorrow. Too many movies, too few free passes. SHERLOCK HOLMES – Robert Downey Jr. plays the super-sleuth but with a twist – he’s an action hero. Catch phrase: “Ele-fucking-mentry, Watson!”WHITE RIBBON – Various atrocities within a German village right before World War I. Perfect for when the kiddies are out of school!THE YOUNG VICTORIA – Before

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Holiday Movie Preview Part 2

THE PRIVATE LIVES OF PIPPA LEE – Robin Wright as a woman who looks back at her life. I wonder if any character says to her, “Well, Pippa, you made some bad mistakes in your life but at least you didn’t marry Sean Penn.”ARMORED – Armored car robbery by its guards. Actually I wonder why this doesn’t happen 12,000 times a year.BROTHERS – When Natalie Portman’s husband is missing in Afghanistan,

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Holiday Movie Preview!!

Ho ho ho! It's time for this year's Holiday Movie Preview, or what you'll be seeing on HBO in February. THE MESSENGER – Ben Foster just back from Iraq gets a fun job in the Army’s Casualty Notification service. And you thought those telemarketers were annoying…OH MY GOD! – Documentary about faith where some of the world’s leading thinkers are interviewed – like Ringo Starr.PIRATE RADIO – Hey,

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SITCOM ROOM 4: An unbiased account from the guy who staged it

Thanks everybody for your anniversary wishes and feedback. It's great to know you're out there.I think the attendees of SITCOM ROOM 4 are just now catching up on sleep. No one ran screaming from the event so I consider it an irrefutable triumph! Thanks to all those who participated. Hope you learned a lot, discovered some talents you didn't realize you had, and had FUN.Some random thoughts:

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The 4th anniversary of my blog!

I can only imagine how much more money I’d be worth if I were on a show that long. But I know I wouldn’t have had as much fun. Since I started back in November of 2005 I have posted 1,645 entries. This is amazing to me because I thought if I post something each day I would run out of ideas in two weeks. But somehow I manage to find new topics, even if I know nothing at all about them. Never

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Sam Spade, Phillip Marlowe, Sherlock Holmes, and Steve Allen

Steve Allen created THE TONIGHT SHOW. He was an enormously talented man. Additionally, he was an accomplished musician and as if that wasn’t enough, a frequent game show panelist. He wrote numerous books on comedy. He won Emmys and God knows what else. He was one of my idols growing up. And one of my comedy writer heroes was his head writer, Stan Burns. But sometimes talent is not limitless.

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Chuckles follow-up from being there that night

Worth mentioning: Mary did that funeral scene absolutely pitch-perfect. AND she did it again -- a second take -- and was also right on the money. One of the greatest comic performances I have ever seen. And then she duplicated it. Extraordinary.

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Chuckles Bites the Dust

I imagine you've probably already seen it (many maybe times)but it's sure worth seeing again. This is David Lloyd's classic MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW episode, "Chuckles Bites the Dust". I've seen it forty times. I still marvel.

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Everything you wanted to know about Syd Field and Penny Peyser

As I head off to do another SITCOM ROOM seminar, here are a few Friday Q’s and even A’s:From Sammy Glick (I love THAT name):Who is Syd Field and what prompted him to write screenplay instructional books? Do you know of anyone who read the book and went on to write a successful screenplay? What did would be screenwriters do before Syd published his book(s)?Of all the how-to screenwriting books,

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Directing in New York

Directing multi-camera shows can be a challenge in the best of conditions but in New York, it can really be a test.A number of years ago I directed several episodes of LATELINE for NBC in New York. It starred now-Senator Al Franken and was filmed at the Kaufman-Astoria Studios in Queens. We were on the stage next to SESAME STREET. Maria is really hot... but I digress.Multi-camera shows are

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In memory of David Lloyd

In the famous “Chuckles Bites the Dust” episode of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, Lou and Murray and Sue Ann just can’t stop laughing at the absurd circumstances that led to their clown colleague’s death. At one point Murray asks why they laugh and Lou elegantly responds:It's a release, Murray. A kind of defense mechanism. It's like whistling in a graveyard. You try to make light of something

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One of those great Hollywood stories

Looking forward to the Sitcom Room seminar this weekend. It’s for would-be writers not looking for short cuts. As opposed to this story:I was a Story Editor on MASH and was invited to speak to a sitcom writing class at UCLA along with my friend Larry, who at the time was a Story Editor on RHODA. We talked about how to break into the business – the importance of writing great spec scripts. Do

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Dressing like Captain Kirk

Here's another taste of my growing up in the 60s in LA book. Some friends have said, "Why are you posting this? No one will buy a book if they can read it for free?" Well, I'm not sure anyone will buy this book anyway, but what I'm sharing are just small snippets. There's another 90%. Or at least there will be when I finish writing it. Anyway...January 1967Historians claim 1967 was a year of

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The Cartoon IQ Test

From the recent issue of THE NEW YORKER magazine.It's from their cartoon issue. They have a feature called "the Cartoon IQ Test" I DON'T GET IT.What it is is a good lesson in what NOT to do when writing a joke. If a punch line is vague it's a bad joke. I feature two of their examples. And here's the key. Even once you know the actual captions these jokes are still not funny. Audiences have

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What will become of the kids on MAD MEN?

The MAD MEN third season finale airs Sunday night. Another great year. As usual, there’s been a lot of speculation as to what’s going to happen. Will the Drapers split up? Will the Sterlings split up? Will the Campbells split up? Will the Harris’ split up? Will Sterling-Cooper split up? Will the Beatles split up?But no one seems to speculate on Don & Betty’s kids. So let me be the

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The night our warm-up guy turned on the audience

Tuesday was election day (I learned on Wednesday). I am reminded of the election episode my partner, David and I wrote for the TONY RANDALL SHOW.I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show. Below

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How do we determine screen credits?

Welcome to Friday question day. If you have one the comments section beckons.gottacook asks:Ken, since you've been on an arbitration committee, could you perhaps write a little about the process when a credit is contested? Just in a general sense, without mention of any specific movie or TV script?First off the arbitration process offers great protection to writers. It prevents directors and

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The new Hollywood is Santa Clarita!

Hooray for Santa ClaritaThat screwy, ballyhooey Santa Clarita...Go out and try your luck,You might be Donald DuckHooray for Santa ClaritaThe Walt Disney Company last week announced that it would build a 56-acre production facility in Santa Clarita, which is in the middle of nowhere on the way to Bakersfield. The reason is simple – to cut down on runaway production costs.When you hear “Santa

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How I spent my endless summer vacation

Oh no! A baseball post! Don't worry. It's really a humor piece disguised as a sports article disguised as something worth reading. The HuffingtonPost is starting a Sports section and asked me to write something for their inaugural run. Thought I'd share it with you first. Really, it's safe. It’s hard to believe the World Series is wrapping up. The baseball season is so very short. It

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But wait! There's MORE!

Here are a few follow-ups to some recent posts.I ranted that certain actresses just keep getting part after part. One I cited was Kim Raver, who was in 24 and 52 other series. Here she is pictured above starring in three at once. I see that she’s just joined the cast of GREY’S ANATOMY. Seriously. How many network presidents did she pull from burning buildings? The two most viewed posts from

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Teacup Pigs

It seems the new rage in domestic pets is pigs –- teacups pigs to be exact (although not really exact because they’re only the size of teacups when they’re born. They grow to be teahouse pigs.). They’re clean, odor-free, very little shedding, won’t destroy your house (always a plus), affectionate, loyal, and won’t bark. Very few burglars are scared off by “oink oink” but what idiot gets a pig

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Hey, who stole my flamingo?!

Or...my favorite pitch meeting ever.In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for

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Two GREAT quotes!

From Christopher Lloyd, co-creator of MODERN FAMILY. This comes from a current article about the show in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. If I can read between the lines, I think he's happier at ABC than he was with his previous network. "Getting notes on creativity from Fox is like getting notes on fashion from the Braille Institute."And from Jewish Punk Rocker Patrick A. or "Aleph", the 26-year-old

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Tara Reid

Tara Reid is an actress best known for her role in American Pie and her wild partying and plastic surgery nightmare. Reid was born on November 8, 1975 in Wyckoff, New Jersey and began her acting career at a young age. Reid’s first broke into the entertainment business in 1982 when she became a regular on a children's game show called "Child's Play". Reid subsequently appeared in over 100

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Happy Halloween

This has always been one of my favorite holidays, especially when the kids were little. Taking them trick-or-treating and seeing them so excited and happy was one of the true joys of parenthood. And then eating the candy they collected was fun too. Of course there’s always that one eccentric house. We had a dentist who gave out toothbrushes. Thank goodness he wasn’t a proctologist.And where I

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Working with the director of VOLUNTEERS

It’s Friday question day. Only one today but it required a long answer. What's your question???From Brian Doan:I was reading Nicholas Meyer's new memoir on a plane this weekend, and he has very kind things to say about the script you and David Isaacs wrote for VOLUNTEERS, how much he loved working on the film, and how he remains proud of the movie, even if it wasn't the big hit everyone wanted

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Shawnee Smith

Not to be a name dropper but as we approach Halloween I can honestly say I’m friends with “the Queen of Scream”, “the Goddess of Gore”, “The Whore of Horror?”(no, that doesn’t sound right). Anyway, it’s Shawnee Smith, star of SAW, SAW II, SAW III, SAW IV, SAW V, and because there are still so many unanswered questions: SAW VI.She is an absolute sweetheart.I actually go way back with Shawnee.

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Netflix pick of the month: BODY HEAT

Okay, I’m going to start talking film noir in a few minutes but let’s cut to the chase – I love BODY HEAT for the sex. That’s why I went to see it, that’s why I went back to see it, that’s why I’m recommending it. There’s noir and great breakout performances but all that is a bonus.BODY HEAT, released in 1981, marked the directorial debut of Lawrence Kasdan, who also wrote the film. Today

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Social Network Rejection

First off, get well soon wishes to Earl Pomerantz. He’s having robots operate on him or something. I’m not sure whether the WGA Health Plan doesn’t cover actual surgeons or robots are next big thing, but in any case – have a full and speedy recovery.Earl, as many of you know, is a fellow comedy writer and blogger. He asked me to remind you that during his medical “hiatus” he is running “Best

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Charlize Theron Kisses Woman For $140,000

I can’t get enough of these HuffPost Headlines for the important stories YOU need to follow. Just from today…Charlize Theron Kisses Woman For $140,000Billy Mays' Son Sponsoring Contest For Halloween Costumes Of His Dead DadEdward Norton's Maasai Marathon, Twitter & Vaselined NipplesDiddy's Brazilian Vacation: 'Ass! Ass! Ass!'Faizon Love: No Sock In 'Couples Retreat' Nude SceneDavid Cross: I

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My trip to Philadelphia

For you new readers, whenever I'm allowed out of the 310 area code I write up a travelogue of my trip. This saves you from having to actually go anywhere yourself. Here's the latest.If it weren’t for the Dodgers being swept by the Phillies, my sojourn to Philadelphia to cover them would have been sublime. But that “losing the pennant thing” really puts a crimp in your trip.Philadelphia is the

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PARADE

Guest blogger today. My daughter Annie files her review of the hit musical PARADE, now playing at the Mark Taper Forum in LA. It's won numerous Tonys but none of that matters until you've been accepted by the Los Angeles theater crowd. So how did it stack up? Here's Annie's report.Parade is a musical about the Leo Frank case, which took place in Atlanta in 1913. A young girl named Mary

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My season in the sun (photo album)

My baseball season is over. But it's been a great ride. Here are a few snapshots of my year with the Dodgers.Opening Day in San Diego. The Padres were undefeated when this picture was taken.He's the best manager I've ever worked with. Joe Torre... who reminds you all to try Bigelow Green Tea.The Milwaukee Hot Dog racers in a rare relaxed moment.My work station in the press box. Unlike the

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Nothing beats a good story

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My thoughts on Soupy Sales

You have to take my word for it. Soupy Sales was a brilliant physical comedian.Those of us of a certain age (middle… not old yet. Don’t rush us.) remember Soupy Sales fondly and are very saddened by his passing. The vast majority of you I suspect don’t even know who he is.And it’s not like I can just point you to some movies. Soupy’s milieu was live television. And worse, live local

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How we come up with character names

TGIFQD – Thank God it’s Friday Question Day.Scottmc asks:How much thought goes into a character's name? (Some feel that in 'The Odd Couple' Neil Simon already had his Act 3 joke in mind when he came up with the name 'Felix Unger'.) Sometimes a show can be on for years before a joke, or episode, about a character's name is used-was the joke always there?Selecting names is always a bitch. We go

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Have Blog Will Travel

As I fly home from Philadelphia (travelogue coming early next week), thought I’d share some random thoughts and rants on travel.It’s been eight years now. How can people NOT understand the concept of airport security checks? I guess this isn’t too surprising when every night at Dodger Stadium there’s at least three couples on the Jumbovision board who can’t grasp the intricately complicated

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When your girlfriend's father HATES you

Last week I presented another brief installment from my upcoming book on growing up in the 60s in the San Fernando Valley. It prompted a comment from fellow classmate Alexis along with a request:contrary to what you remember, I remember thinking you were cute, funny, and...well, cute and funny will have to suffice.You should relate the "Helene" story...I'll settle for cute and funny. Here's

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How to tell a bad sitcom

Charlie Hauck is a terrific comedy writer (FRASIER, MAUDE, etc.) and a hilarious author. His comic novel about a writing team launching a sitcom starring the diva from hell is both hilarious and all-too-real. The book is called ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES and well worth reading.On one page he explains how you can tell a bad sitcom. Simple rules, worth repeating here.1. Any show in which any

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Hangin' in Philly with the President of the U.S.

Hi from Philadelphia. The last time I was in the City of Brotherly Love in October it was with the President of the United States. We hung out in someone’s backyard.I guess you want an explanation, huh?Fall 1980. My partner David and I sold a pilot to ABC. It was about the White House Press Corps. We sort of pictured the young David Letterman as a hotshot reporter who slept around. Even

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How to interview a celebrity

As a public service to any toadie journalist assigned to do an inane starlet profile here is the style sheet YOU MUST FOLLOW!!!Whether it’s for the LA TIMES, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, PARADE, or MERCENARY LIFE there is a specific protocol you are advised to follow to the letter. So please take note:The interview must be a lunch date at a chic café, clearly identified.The celebrity will arrive

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Rocker Hospitalized After Bad Butt Injections!!!

Hello from Philadelphia. Brrrrrrrrr. I’m always amused at some of the headlines in the HuffingtonPost (where I'm a contributing writer). These are from Friday and today. Celebrity Chef's Ex-Fiancee Charged With Beating Him With A WristwatchBritish Reality Star Shows Her NipplesRocker Hospitalized After Bad BUTT InjectionsLindsay Wears Studded Jacket, Sad Face To CourtWhoopi Goldberg

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10 of the best minutes of VOLUNTEERS

I actually discovered a recent good review of VOLUNTEERS! The words "idiot" and "stupid" and "moron" are used a lot but it's still very positive. Here's one of my favorite sequences. Lawrence Bourne (Tom Hanks) posing as Kent Sutcliffe (to avoid a gambling debt) is on a plane to Thailand with fellow Peace Corps volunteers. There he encounters Tom Tuttle from Tacoma (John Candy) and Beth

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What to watch? MAD MEN or ICE ROAD TRUCKERS?

Here are some Friday questions and answers. Leave yours in the comment section.Let’s start with Patrick:With dialogue that deals with the involvement of lawyers, is there often a decision to just try something else in order to avoid a hassle? On The Office tonight there were two lines that seemed odd. At one point Dwight said something like, "... I search engined her." Obviously he meant Googled

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Hello from Dodger Stadium...

...where the National League Playoff Series is now underway. Before the game some goofy guy from the Jimmy Kimmell Show was walking around the field in just a towel. I'm sure hilarity ensued. No flyovers, no boy in a balloon -- just Billy Ray Cyrus singing the "Achy Breaky Star Spangled Banner". 50,000 people were disappointed it wasn't his daughter Miley.A giant flag was unfurled that

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Decoding Hollywoodspeak

Most of the real creativity in Hollywood goes into positive spin. Here are some industry expressions and what they really mean:“Hospitalized because the actor was simply feeling dizzy due to a medication he was taking for an ear infection” – drunk“Hiatus” – cancelled“Good Exit Numbers” – DOA at the boxoffice“Highly qualified” – knows somebody“They’re still good friends” – the ugly divorce

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"Go F*** Yourself" and other happy high school memories

Time to stagger down Memory Lane. Here's another short excerpt from the book I'm writing on growing up in Los Angeles in the 60s. This is from the Fall of 1965.Football games were usually followed by Friday night dances. I won’t belabor this excruciating exercise. Janis Ian made a nice living writing songs about teenage angst at dances and such. But it was a chance to see how much more fun

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Answers to the JON & KATE quiz!

If you got none right because you didn't take the test, you are a well-adjusted human being . You have priorities and can recognize that this is just a satiric piece, making fun of the most vacuous inane couple television has ever created. Extra credit for not even knowing who Jon & Kate are.If you actually took the test, you are a sad pathetic individual. Get a life, get help immediately, or

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Take the JON & KATE quiz!!

There’s been so much written lately about Jon and Kate Gosselin but how do you know what is true and what is just absurd? Test yourself on Jon & Kate! Answer these TRUE OR FALSE questions. Warning: some of them are actually TRUE. Jon says he’s half-Jewish.Jon signs up for J-Date.Kate once had an affair with the Unibomber.Kate made unauthorized withdrawals from their ATM.Jon is selling

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My trip to St. Louis

Took a quick trip to St. Louis with the Dodgers this weekend. Long enough to eliminate the Cardinals and move on to the National League Championship Series. However, on the bus to the airport we passed the Edward Jones Dome – a gentle reminder that Los Angeles may have beaten the Red Birds but St. Louis still has our Rams.St. Loo is famous of course for the Anheuser-Busch brewery. Although

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Speaking Farce-y

One writing question I'm often asked is how are farces constructed? I’m sure fifty different comedy writers would give you fifty different approaches but this is mine.First off there must be jeopardy. Something the characters need very badly and are willing to go to the greatest lengths to achieve. The situation can be totally absurd to us but to the characters themselves they’re very real. In

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For all you fans of Quentin Tarantino... and the Muppets

Here's the movie you've got to see. PULP MUPPETS.

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The episode of CHEERS that sparked an uproar and protests

Heading to St. Louis to cover the Dodgers-Cardinals National League Division Series. Last time I flew to St. Louis in October it was to report to Basic Training at Ft. Leonard Wood, so this is better.Here are some Friday Q&A’s.Mary Stella wonders:Is there an official phrase in the biz for giving big hints to the audience in case we're too dense to figure that a long shot of a kangaroo hopping

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Traci Lords called me an A**hole

I think I’ve reached my pinnacle as a blogger!Traci Lords on her Twitter page called me an asshole for an article I wrote about her (a TRUE article by the way). I was getting back at her because I wasn’t “good enough”. Oooh, I feel so..so inadequate.Stepping on toes unfortunately comes with the territory, especially if you’re a humor blog. As Larry Gelbart once said:“If what you're writing

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David Letterman's REAL apology

Did anyone on the planet buy David Letterman’s heartfelt apology on his show Monday night? At least Richard Nixon appeared sorry on the David Frost interview. But Letterman’s mea culpa felt so staged and insincere. If Dave really wanted to be honest and really wanted to express his genuine feelings, this is what his apology would have actually sounded like:DAVE:First of all, my ratings have

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My latest rant

Tomorrow: my take on David Letterman's Monday night apology, but for today -- what good is having a blog if you can't rant about things you have no control over and will never change?I had occasion to drive through Beverly Hills last week (where the Iranians who aren’t protesting roost). And there arching over on Rodeo Drive were Christmas decorations.It was September!Now granted, Christmas

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A handy writing tip

Just saw one of my favorite DICK VAN DYKE SHOW episodes, “100 Terrible Hours”. It’s the one where Rob was a disc jockey and had to stay on the air for 100 straight hours just before interviewing with Alan Brady for a writing job. I love that episode for many reasons but first and foremost is the structure. I imagine Carl Reiner and the staff thought it would be fun to see Rob’s initial job

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Men hugging men

... and then spraying each other with cheap champagne and beer even Norm Peterson wouldn't drink. This is moments before Manny Ramirez drenched me. If I got stopped at a sobriety checkpoint driving home I would be posting this from the LA County drunk tank right now. Covering the Dodgers all year for 790 KABC I was privileged to be on the field when they clinched the NL West title last night.

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5 Things You Don't Know About Me

A new meme going around asks: “what are five things people don’t know about you?”1. When I worked at Wallichs Music City, an LA record store, in the 60’s I used to throw Neil Young out of the listening booths for smoking pot. Once every two weeks. If only he had shared!2. Ann Jillian was my childhood friend (and still is).3. As a teenager I was offered a job writing for LAUGH-IN. I declined in

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Me calling Dodger baseball

The regular season is over but the Dodgers are in the playoffs! They can't seem to win one more game to clinch it but still!The good news: More games to cover. More Dodger Talk shows on KABC.The bad news: No, I can't get you tickets. And even if I could, you haven't talked to me since high school. Why the hell should I do you a favor? Oh...and it's Ken, not Kevin.Earlier in the year I

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The AMAZING jump rope dancers. You won't believe it!

You can keep your Laker Girls or college dance teams. These girls are amazing beyond belief. Introducing the Naval Academy Jump Rope Dance team. Wow.

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Agnes Moorhead AS Endora

First off, a couple of spots have opened up for the Sitcom Room seminar. If you're interested check it out. Remember, I only hold this seminar once a year. It's fantasy camp for comedy writers except you also learn a lot and get to see your work performed by professional actors. Let's see Robert McKee top that! Go here for details and to sign up.Now that we've had a word from our sponsor,

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Sonya Walger

What is it about Sonya Walger that every network casting person adores? I mean, she’s certainly a very good actress and extremely pretty to look at but she's not the only pretty actress in Hollywood. There have to be at least six others. Yet, Sonya Walger seems to get every part out there.And sometimes it gets disconcerting. She’s dear sweet Penny on LOST. Her hubby Desmond has gone

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The greatest prediction EVER!!

Even if you're not a baseball fan you've got to see this. It's maybe the most amazing prediction in the history of sports. And this is real. It's not a hoax.

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The best new show of the year!!

Okay comedy writer, here’s your assignment:Create a pilot with the following –Make it a family show, and even though there have been family shows on television for sixty years, find an entirely fresh new approach.It must be enduring so that you could generate stories for five years.You must create ten distinctive characters. They all must funny, relatable, edgy, flawed, and yet endearing. They

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What's on pay-per-view tonight?

Channel surfing recently I came upon INPPV, which I guess is our cable company’s pay-per-view “adult” channel. These are the ACTUAL titles. I may have taken a little creative license with the descriptions. But probably not much. Again, the titles are REAL.HOT AND BUSTY SECRETARIES/NUDE -- They feel objectified and demand their bosses refer to them as Hot and Busty Assistants/Nude.FORBIDDEN

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In the year 5770

Monday is the Jewish High Holiday. It's the day of atonement. A chance to reflect and ask forgiveness for our sins and transgressions over the past year. In my case, the Shohreh Aghdashloo crack in my Emmy review. It's a day of fasting (Jewish tradition has it that on all holidays you either fast or eat way too much), spiritual reconnection, and taking a break from your daily

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The first casualty of the Fall season!!!

Wow! THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE has been yanked by the CW after only two airings. How bad must the ratings have been for the CW to give it the quick hook? THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE was about good-looking models having sex. And not enough of the CW audience was interested in seeing that?Actually, this takes the pressure off of me. I try to predict the first fatality of the Fall season and was undecided

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Andrew Dice Clay

Andrew Dice Clay is a stand-up comedian and actor best known for his raunchy stand-up comedy routine during the late-1980s. Clay was very successful for several years until the public quickly tired of his highly profane shtick.Clay's birth name is Andrew Clay Silverstein and he was born on September 29, 1958 in Brooklyn, New York. Clay began his stand-up career in the late 1970s, at age 20.

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Ron Palillo

Ron Palillo is an actor best known for his role as "Horshack" on the hit 1970s sitcom, Welcome Back, Kotter.

Palillo was born on April 2, 1949, in Cheshire, Connecticut. Palillo was interested in acting from an early age. At the tender age of 14, he started his own summer theater in his hometown. Surprisingly, his summer theatre actually made money.

After high school, Palillo attended the

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Kirstie Alley

Kirstie Alley is an actress best known for her role as "Rebecca Howe" on the hit mid-1980s-early 1990s sitcom Cheers. Kirstie Alley was born on January 12, 1951 in Wichita, Kansas. Alley attended Kansas State University and the University of Kansas for a short time, dropping out during her sophomore year to pursue an acting career. Her first TV appearances were on game shows - in 1979 she

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Danny Cooksey

Danny Cooksey is a former child star perhaps best known for his role as "Sam McKinney" on the popular mid-1980s TV sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes.Cooksey was born on November 2, 1975 in Moore, Oklahoma. Cooksey's mother moved with him to Los Angeles in 1980 to allow him to pursue a career in country music. His first acting role was in an episode of Dukes of Hazzard in 1983. Cooksey was later invited

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Lillo Brancato

Lillo Brancato is a former child star best known for his role as Calogero Anello in the successful 1993 movie, A Bronx Tale. Brancato went from being on the fast track for movie stardom in the early 1990s to being a real-life crackhead and eventually ended up sentenced to a 10-year sentence in prison for his participation in a 2005 burglary gone horribly wrong that resulted in a dead police

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Chuck Berry

Chuck Berry is a famous singer, songwriter, and guitarist. He was one of the pioneers of rock and roll music and had a string of hits between the mid-1950s and the early-1970s. Although renowned for his musical abilities, Berry has tarnished his reputation over the years via frequent brushes with the law and deviant sexual behaviors.I. Early LifeBerry was born on October 18, 1926 in St. Louis,

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