How do you get an agent?

By far the question I get asked the most is how do you get an agent? I wish there was an easy answer. But the truth is you need persistence, sometimes a little ingenuity, and luck. There is a directory of agents that the Writers Guild offers. Some smaller agencies will accept new submissions. Contact all of them. Try to distinguish yourself. And by that I don’t mean grab a sign...

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Naming characters on TV shows

One of the hardest tasks in any script is coming up with names. They have to sound right, fit the character’s personality and ethnicity. Every writer has a different method for coming up with them. Woody Allen uses names that are as short as possible so he has less to type. For David and I, we tend to use either baseball player names or personal friends.On MASH we had the added problem of all...

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The background story on the "We Will Rock You" CHEERS teaser

Dan O'Shannon, now an executive producer of MODERN FAMILY, was a producer on CHEERS when the "We Will Rock You" teaser was shot.  He dropped me a note with some more details.  When we shot it, we weren't intending to fade out during the song. Instead, the song just kind of peters out, and that's when Cliff comes bursting in singing "we will rock you", too late to join in. When we looked at it...

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My radical new texting policy

My friend Kevin has a policy that I have recently adopted. I will not carry on a text conversation. Text messages are great for short alerts.I’m running late. I’m at baggage claim. I’m pregnant. But they’re not designed to replace conversations. After a couple of quick back and forths, if you want to continue to converse with me I will CALL you. You’re obviously there. You just tex...

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My favorite CHEERS teaser

More of your Friday questions and my attempt at answers.Phillip B asks:I noticed that the opening on CHEERS was often entirely unrelated to the rest of the episode. Was it just a chance for a good joke, was it made detachable knowing it was going to get cut in syndication, or was this a chance to give a chance for an actor to more fully develop their role?Doing a self-contained bit as...

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TV review: EPISODES

Reader Travis Puterbaugh wrote: "Ken, how about a column on "Episodes," the new Showtime series. Have you seen it yet?"I feel bad reviewing a show that’s on SHOWTIME since not all of my readers can watch it. But I see that you can go on line to Hulu and places like that and screen episodes, so what the hell? I have seen EPISODES, and I enjoy it. I do have some issues but first the good...

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Warning: This is another one of my rants

Last week I went to a restaurant I’ve been going to for years. Some great entrees and it’s a block from Cedars-Sinai hospital so if I have any kind of attack during dinner I’m covered.There are three or four dishes I always like and their soups are m-m-m good (which is the official standard for soup). I hadn’t been there in a few months but when I picked up the menu I was shocked. They had...

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Crazy pilots I have worked on

Over the years I’ve helped out on a lot of pilots – coming in a night or two to help rewrite. These are usually long nights because everybody is still trying to determine just what they have. Did things not work because of the material? Or was it the actor’s fault? And if so, does he just need a couple more days to find it, or should he be replaced? And if you replace him, replace him...

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Lots of spec pilots are selling. What does it mean?

Networks are buying a lot more spec pilots these days. A LOT more.  It used to be rare for a spec pilot to sell. My writing partner David and I sold a few down through the years, and we found it tough sledding. If the execs who didn’t make the decision were not involved in the development, they have no stake in the project and generally try to bury it. They’ll deny that of course, but beh...

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The five mysteries of CHEERS

What did Vera Peterson look like? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so for Norm I think her looks changed depending on the number of beers. I know that’s kind of a coy answer so I’ll just say if you’ve seen Maris Crane, she’s her twin but not as thin. People wonder if Norm really did love Vera. The answer is yes. You tell me a wife who’d let her husband spend his life in a bar. In one of...

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Another comedy test: Do you find this funny?

Haven't done one of these in a while, but I always find your responses fascinating. This is a scene from the 1972 Woody Allen movie, PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM. This killed me when I saw it in the theater. Woody is expecting a blind date and is just a tad nervous. What follows is some inspired slapstick. At least I thought so. What do you think? By the way, the blind date, "Sharon", is played by...

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Friday questions

It’s Friday question day. Thanks to everyone who participated in the teleseminar last night. It was fun and you guys had some great questions. If you have any blog questions just leave them in the comments section. Don’t ask why I’m charging for the mp3 of the seminar. It’s because I want to exploit you all and get filthy RICH!!!Sarah starts us off:I am almost through re-watching Win...

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The debut of American Idol: Season 10

Losing Simon Cowell from American Idol was like losing Alan Alda from MASH. AfterIDOL premiered last night on Fox. Randy Jackson is the only holdover from the original series. Reminds me of the final episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show where everyone was fired but Ted. So now you have Randy and the two new judges – Jennifer Lopez and Carly Simon. Jennifer looked great. The years...

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I'm returning to the Seattle Mariners broadcast booth...

... as part of a rotation of former M's announcers trying to fill the unfill-able void left when Dave Niehaus passed away last November.  But I'm thrilled to be returning to Seattle.   I've always loved the city, team, organization, and (now) the ballpark.   I'll  primarily be working on the radio, doing the play-by-play with Rick Rizz.   Expect a lot of Dave Niehaus anecdotes and remembranc...

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The Best of American Idol

AMERICAN IDOL is back.  I'm dealing with a little medical issue the next couple of days so might not get around to reviewing the first week for a few days.  Don't worry.  I'm fine.Update:  Seriously.  I am.  Didn't mean to alarm anybody.  Thanks to all for your well wishes.  But I'm good to go.   And judging by what I've seen, I am in waaaay better health than Steven Tyler.But because of...

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One of those real "Hollywood" stories

The great thing about Hollywood is that everybody has these them. If you’ve been in the business eleven minutes you have a story. Here’s one of my early ones.My writing partner, David and I had just completed our first sold script – THE JEFFERSONS. We had new agents who were trying to get us meetings on other shows. In those days you were a freelance writer until, with luck, you...

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My take on the Golden Globes

Some fleeting thoughts on last night’s Golden Globes. Not a full recap. I save those for real award shows. But here are just some random observations.All you need to know about the Golden Globes is that Angelina Jolie got nominated for THE TOURIST. She gave maybe the worst, stiffest performance since Wilson the volleyball in CASTAWAY. Judging by his most gracious speech, I think the...

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This is why you need to follow me on Twitter

Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.Having a colonoscopy tomorrow.Going out for magazines.Is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like John Madden?Okay. Starting to take the stuff.Ugggghhh! ...

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See the faces behind the voices

A reader pointed this out. Here's a video made featuring Mark Elliott and four of the other top voice over guys. Sadly, Don LaFontaine is no longer with us. Happily, John Leader reads this blog....

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What have they done to Sela Ward?

Decided to check out CSI: NEW YORK last night. Hadn’t seen it since a friend was killed on it a few years ago. I won’t watch CSI: MIAMI because David Caruso is such an utter joke. And the original CSI is just not as good without William Peterson. But if it’s on and I’m already seen this week’s HOARDERS, I will check it out. It’s amazing the budgets those police forces must have. They e...

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Free teleseminar on TV writing

A special bonus for Friday Question Day!! Next Thursday, January 20th at 6 PM Pacific/9 PM Eastern, I will be conducting a FREE teleseminar, answering your writing questions. It will last between 60 and 90 minutes. And you can get an mp3 of it to play on your boombox. You just go here for more information and to sign-up. Again, it’s free. No obligation. No salesman will call.If I can't...

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How to break into voice overs without holding up a sign

With all this hoopla about homeless Obama impersonator, Ted Williams going from a street corner to a voice over career, let me tell you the story of how another VO artist broke into the biz. Mark Elliott. You may not know the name but you sure as hell have heard the golden voice. He’s done thousands of trailers, God knows how many promos for CBS, and for many years was the exclusive voice...

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A day on the Warner Brothers lot

My partner, David and I went to Warner Brothers yesterday to help punch-up a friend’s pilot. Judging by the nine-story-high billboards, I guess they tape Conan there. We were directed to a large parking structure across the street. That’s when you know your career is in the dumper – when they don’t give you a drive-on. When you’re assigned the lot reserved for audience members of ELLEN....

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What turns men off?

A recent front page story in the Los Angeles Times (on obviously the slowest news day since 1954) claims that the smell of a woman’s tears can turn off a guy to her sexually. This scientific study put a group of women in a room, showed videos of the Brad Pitt wedding or something, and as they all wept uncontrollably, collected their tears. Then horny guys were asked to smell the tears and...

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Dan Ingram speaks out on Ted Williams

By now we've all seen the story of Ted Williams, the homeless toothless guy with the golden voice who was trying to get an announcing job while panhandling on a highway. A video was shot, it went viral, and he's now the darling of talk shows, doing commercials for Kraft Foods, MSNBC, NFL Films, and fielding other offers. It's certainly the feel good story of the year.But there's another...

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A rookie writing mistake

From time to time I try to flag rookie writing mistakes so you can avoid making the same blunders I did early in my career. Today’s topic: writing on the nose. On the nose refers generally to dialogue where the characters say exactly what they think. Sally: “John, I am so mad at you because you always flirt with my sister, Carol, and you know how jealous I get and how competitive I am...

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My favorite new iPad app!

This vital application teaches you how to roll a joint. Where was this far out app in the '60s when I was fumbling around with those Zig Zag papers?...

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"My boyfriend looks just like a movie star!"

One of the staples of romcom is mistaken identity. Comedy comes from the confusion of someone either posing as someone else or someone believing somebody is somebody else. When you watch and hopefully enjoy these farces do you ever think to yourself, “Oh, this could never happen in real life”?Well here’s one that really did happen -- a few years ago in that always crazy kooky town of...

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My bad hair day (decade).

Top 40 stations in the 50s-mid 70s distributed survey sheets every week to local record stores (you remember record stores). These listed the top hits the station was playing and usually featured a photo of one of the disc jockeys. Here is a rare survey from KYA, San Francisco in 1974 that featured a young, skinny me with waaaay too much hair. They took this shot on a windy day, which also...

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My partner and I discuss our ersatz careers and try to look cool on television

Recently, David Isaacs and I guested on an internet interview show called "the Writers Room" hosted by writer Mark Reisman. Here's the show. It's an hour long. In that time we tell everything we know. Twice....

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This is what I sounded like in 1977

Great Big Radio, despite my restraining order and seventeen injunctions, is playing one of my radio shows tonight from 8-9 PST, 11-12 EST.  It's from 1977 when I was Beaver Cleaver on KTNQ (The New TenQ), Los Angeles. Not sure what I was on besides speed and helium, but I was completely out of my mind in those days. And the music! I hope somebody at the station was getting well paid to play t...

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The art of doing Warm-Up

Sometimes I’ll get a Friday question that can fill up a post by itself. Today is one of those. It’s from unkystan:Years ago I attended tapings of shows like "Chico and the Man" and "The Jeffersons". While sets were being moved in and out we were entertained by Freddie Prinz standup, Scatman Crothers & Della Reese singing, etc. How did you keep your audiences entertained between scenes? At...

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Will 3-D save Hollywood?

In the late ‘50s movie studios faced stiff competition from television. John Wayne and Elizabeth Taylor were getting their asses kicked by George Gobel and Gale Storm. And color TV was hitting the market (albeit slowly… almost one color at a time). In an attempt to make the theater experience more special, Hollywood unveiled a new way to see movies – Cinerama. Talk about a widescreen -- three...

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Korean Vaginal Steam Baths -- Why didn't we do this story on MASH?

As you know, this is the blog to turn to for the latest updates in show business and medicine.  Today we focus on vaginal Steam Baths. It’s the newest chic spa treatment in – where else? – La La Land. Yes, taking its place alongside Bull Semen Hair Conditioning, Placenta Facials, Snake Massages, Nightingale Droppings Facials, and Dark Bathing Beer Baths comes V-Steam Baths. A recent...

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The night I lifted a Buick

HOW DO YOU KNOW is very disappointing, especially considering it was written and directed by James L. Brooks. And I worry that younger readers only know of his work from his last two pictures – this and SPANGLISH. I will certainly concede that creatively he appears to be in a deep slump, but remember, this is a guy who has three Oscars, and probably more Emmys than I have credits. THE MARY...

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My predictions for 2011

In addition to debuting her own cable network, Oprah Winfrey will start her own space program, invent a new vegetable, and occupy Asia. Hugh Hefner and new bride Crystal will call it quits after only three months when she realizes he’s apt to last out the year. Inspired by Hef, Larry King will propose to Miranda Cosgrove. The NBA will try to sell itself as a family sport while every...

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How Diana became Annie

A reader discovered that my daughter Annie's real name is Diana and wondered how and why she made the change. Annie herself has graciously agreed to answer.There has been an inquiry about my going by Annie rather than Diana. Most of you probably had no idea that my name was Diana unless you've either a) known me since birth b) are a friend of mine or c) have read my father's book (so that's...

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Leftover Holiday Tweets

In case you're one of the 7 billion people who don't follow me on Twitter, this is the crap I've been tweeting this weekend:  DEC 31Thank God the production people from SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL weren't in charge of the giant ball dropping. Thousands would have been killed.Who needs to go to a big New Years Eve party when I have all my close Facebook friends right here with me on the comput...

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Why I hate the Lakers

It's the sports team of the Hollywood elite. Good luck if a real fan wants a decent seat. He either needs to take out a loan, star in a movie, or hang out with Kim Kardashian. Ron Jacobs, in his blog, wrote a wonderful piece on the Christmas Day Lakers game complete with tons of pictures (and delightful captions provided by Ron). Here are just a few of the photos. You can check out his pi...

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Happy New Year!

May 2011 be for you what 2010 was for Taylor Swift, vampires, the San Francisco Giants, Jeff Bridges, Lady Gaga, THE WALKING DEAD, Stieg Larsson, Jane Lynch, Michael Buble, Betty White, Brooklyn Decker, MAD MEN, Kathryn Bigelow, Andre Dawson, Jennifer Grey, Justin Bieber, Josh Hamilton, Denzel Washington, Facebook, Bryan Cranston, Jerry Rice, Hugh Hefner, Beyonce, Pokemon Heartglow, Viola Dav...

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