Memorial Day then staff work begins

Happy Memorial Day. This is the time of the year when writing staffs go back to work. If you’re an aspiring TV scribe, I hope someday that’ll be you. Here’s what you can sort of expect…at least on the comedy side.The first week will just be sharing vacation stories, home remodeling nightmares, and trashing reality shows. You’ll go out for long lunches, bitch about how much other writers make,

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It's nice to be the next Preston Sturges

This is a typical story. In the mid 80’s my partner and I had a pretty good movie career going along with our TV work. (I think this was that honeymoon period between the time VOLUNTEERS was made and actually released…because that window was pretty short as I recall.) Disney wanted to meet us.We trooped down to Burbank, appropriately entered the Dopey Building and met with this very nice

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Gary Coleman

So sorry to hear about Gary Coleman’s passing. What a sad and all-too-brief life he led.When I heard the news of his death I have to admit that one of my thoughts was what are they going to do now on AVENUE Q? AVENUE Q is the Tony winning Broadway musical that is essentially the R-rated version of SESAME STREET. One of the characters in the musical is supposed to be Gary Coleman. And he’s

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The questions LOST neglected to answer

Other than these I'd say the show wrapped up everything.See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.Bottom line though: who cares? Wasn't it fun just following a wildly imaginative story?

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How to become a recurring character

Happy Memorial weekend Friday question day. What's yours?Steve starts us off:I'm curious about recurring characters. Do writers have any say over who comes back when, or is it the producers/someone else? Take Colonel Flagg on M*A*S*H as an example. Could you just write him into an episode, or are you instead told, "Hey, we want Colonel Flagg back. Write a story for him."?Characters become

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Watch this woman go insane when Lee wins IDOL

You gotta love America.

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The AMERICAN IDOL finale

If you just tuned in to AMERICAN IDOL for the first time this season because it was the finale (the way a casual sports fan might watch baseball only during the World Series and porn stars only catch the Masters when Tiger is playing) I wonder if you’d look at the two finalists – Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze and say “Out of 100,000 applicants, THESE are the best two they could find?” That

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When AMERICAN IDOL was fun

As I mentioned before, this is the last year I’ll review AMERICAN IDOL. Tonight’s finale will be my finale as well. But to help get you in the mood, here’s my blog version of a clip show. Some random snarky observations from the last four seasons' worth of reviews.Adam Lambert is the illegitimate love child of Freddy Mercury and Liza Minelli. He sang “Ring of Fire” but in the more traditional

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My review of the last 24

SPOILER ALERT!!!Jack Bauer, wounded, bloodied, with no ID or money has been asked to slip out of the country and disappear. I’ll say this for America, we sure know how to thank and honor our heroes. All the guy has done is routinely and single-handedly saved millions of lives, exposed major plots to subvert this nation, and thwarted every sinister villain not assigned to James Bond. Okay, he

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My review of the last LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!So after six years and all the twists and turns and time travel and coincidences and mythology, we learn that LOST is just a retelling of the story of Christ. Jack is the chosen leader, saves the world, dies for our sins, is reunited with his “Father” (whose name happens to be “Christian” as opposed to say Schlomo or Habib) and the “Christian Shepherd” leads everyone happily

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Getting you ready for the last LOST

My favorite show, LOST concludes tonight. I’ll have my review and final thoughts tomorrow. LOST is an ongoing serialized adventure set on a tropical island. If you haven't been watching you might be a little, well...lost. So allow me to get you up to speed.CHARACTERS:JACK (Matthew Fox) - A handsome doctor who the castaways look up to, not because of his leadership ability but because the actor

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Another comedy test

You weighed in on the HONEYMOONERS and FRASIER and Woody Allen's stand up. Now I've got a classic scene from TAXI. I fell on the floor when I first saw this. Does it still stand up? Drugged-out burnout Jim is applying for a driver's license. This was written by Glen & Les Charles and directed by James Burrows.

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My scorecard

One additional Friday question:LarNdc asks:When I go to ballgames I love to keep score. What does your scorecard look like?Good luck deciphering it. Here is a typical scoresheet. No two people in the world have the same scoring system. But it doesn't matter. As long as YOU know it means that's all the counts. My system has been revised over the years, but here are the basics:I circle all

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How does a regular Joe Schmo pitch a pilot to a network?

Here are some more Friday questions and answers sent in by you, the loyal or occasional readers.Heidi Germanaus starts us off:Ken, I have a pretty damn good idea for a t.v. show. How does a regular Joe Shmo get in a position to pitch something like that?Heidi, I wish I could be more encouraging but the truth is unless you have a track record it’s almost impossible to get a network to hear your

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Robert W. Morgan

I’m often asked (just last week actually) who were my comic influences? Aside from the usual – Nat Hiken, Joan Davis, and Pinky Lee – I’d have to put at the top of my list Robert W. Morgan. For almost thirty years Morgan ruled the morning airwaves in Los Angeles (and briefly in Chicago).He passed away twelve years ago today.I still miss him. I still look at something I’ve written and wonder, “

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Behaving abnormally

Here's another extended snippet from my "growing up in the 60s" book. I'm a student at UCLA and it just turned 1969.By now the “Generation Gap” had been trivialized to where ABC had a prime time game show with that theme. ABC also had THE MOD SQUAD, a group of hippie crime fighters.1969 meant a new year, new quarter, and new language. Obviously I couldn’t make it through two more sessions of

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BOBblehead HOPE

On Tuesday night's Dodger Talk on 790 KABC (and KABC.COM on the net) we got into a discussion on what's the most unusual Dodger bobblehead anyone has? It was a nice break from "when are we going to trade for a new starting pitcher?" This is mine and I had to post it because my partner Josh Suchon and most of the listeners didn't believe me. But as you can see, it's for real. For some utterly

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Impressive but useless talents

There’s a guy who imitates baseball players’ batting stances. I saw him at Dodger Stadium last night. He’s uncanny at it but it got me thinking – how the hell do you make a living imitating Nomar Garciaparra’s batting stance?And then I starting wondering – how many other gifted people are blessed with a talent that ultimately does them no good?There’s a guy in San Francisco I once saw who did

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It's Upfronts week!

This is Upfronts Presentation Week, when each of the networks roll out their new fall schedules. Whether your show gets ordered or not, the response is the same. “Oh shit!”If you did get a pick-up you realize you’re already behind. And in many cases today, show orders come with tiny addendums like… recast half the parts, reshoot the whole pilot, you must hire this show runner to be over you, or

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Best screenwriting advice I could give

The hardest screenplay we ever had to write came as a result of the easiest, quickest pitch we ever made. It also taught us a very important lesson about screenwriting.Fall 1988. I had just finished my first year of minor league play-by-play, calling the action for the mighty Syracuse Chiefs. I had kept a journal but didn’t know what to do with it. My agent suggested instead of submitting it

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Attention-Deficit-Blogging

Welcome to Attention-Deficit-Blogging – my random thoughts, rants, questions, and musings about nothing and everything.Since when did LBJ mean LeBron James and not Lyndon Baines Johnson?How come not one Supreme Court Justice got his/her degree from the “University of Honolulu School of Law” in Modesto, California?Since practically all of them went to Harvard or Yale at some point, I often wonder

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Enjoying penis a little bit more...

Leave it to this local New Orleans news anchor to clarify things.

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Me and computers

Okay, first of all, this is a re-post... from February 2006. I'm guessing you haven't read it. But it's one of my favorite rants so I'm sharing it again. I admit it. When it comes to computers I’m a retard. Someone explains how to run a program, I nod, it all makes sense, then the minute he leaves I’m the guy from MEMENTO. I’m completely helpless over a skill that every 14 year old in America

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James Taylor & Carole King

I was on the fence as to whether to write a review of the recent James Taylor/Carole King concert at the Hollywood Bowl because I thought a lot of my readers might just see them as old geezers. But in light of the current mass hysteria for Betty White, Taylor and King are mere pups.To love the concert as much as I did considering the ordeal to get there, really says something about how special

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My comedy influences

Time for some more Friday questions. Leave yours in the comments section. Thanks.From Sally creeping down the alley:My Friday Question is about influences, when it comes to writing, who were you influenced by and when did you realize they influenced you?I have always been interested in comedy. My initial influences were disc jockeys. Dick Whittington, Robert W. Morgan, Gary Owens, Lohman &

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"There's a bus that's broken down on the 405" -- hey, wait, that's OURS!

The Hollywood Bowl has a nice offer. You can take buses to the bowl on concert nights. Mrs. L. and I had tickets for the James Taylor/Carole King concert last night. And before you say anything, we were still the youngest couple there. Hopped on a 5:00 bus in Westwood for a 7:30 show. Plenty of time to get there, leisurely buy dinner, enjoy a picnic under the stars.Things were going fine

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Teri Hatcher has a lifestyle advice website???

Good news for women! Teri Hatcher will show you how to live your life! Who knows more about the trials and tribulations of daily living than an insulated spoiled actress who exists in a bubble of privilege? Who better to guide you through the rigors of motherhood, relationships, and financial hardships than a woman who never hears the word “no” from the moment she gets up in the morning

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AMERICAN IDOL goes to the (bad) movies

It was movie night for the Top Four on AMERICAN IDOL. Okay, I didn’t expect them to sing the theme from HIGH NOON or GONE WITH THE WIND but FREE WILLY and CADDYSHACK?? Now I’m hurt they didn’t sing “Nothing’s Going to Stop Us Now”, the theme from MANNEQUIN 2.One of the big problems with IDOL this year (one of many) is that they have begun to take themselves waaaaaaay too seriously. When you

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The world's greatest morning show guest

Meet yo yo "master", Kenny "K-Strass" Strasser. You won't believe this guy. I used to play with a yo yo all the time in the writers room. I could do a few tricks but nothing like this "master". By the way, I will be reviewing tonight's AMERICAN IDOL. It will appear tomorrow morning. In the meantime, prepare yourself for excitement compliments of K-Strass.

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A look at this year's comedy pilots

It’s pilot season, which is like duck hunting season except not as humane. The networks are putting together their fall schedules and all the pilots they developed and shot are being tested, considered, and re-tooled. It’s far from a perfect system but no one’s come up with a better one. A few years ago Jeff Zucker, the “visionary” who turned NBC into the number four network from the number

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The truth about Lady Gaga

When Andy Kaufman died so young there were many who believed it was all a hoax. This was just the sort of absurd thing he would do. Andy was labeled a “comedian” but what he really was was a “performance artist”. The idea wasn’t to make you laugh, it was to make him laugh at you for buying into his elaborate ruses. He would assume bizarre characters and amuse himself watching the reaction

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Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he

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All hit songs have the same four chords

Thanks to Great Big Radio for turning me onto this. The Axis of Awesome is an Australian comedy group. They contend that every pop hit uses the same four chords... and they pretty much prove it.

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More Moe

For everyone who read Friday’s post about driving Moe Howard and wanted to hear more, here’s more.I wish it had been more memorable. I wish he had poked me the eyes while driving or threatened to “murderize” me. But he just acted…. Normal. He sprinkled in a few Yiddish words in the conversation. I have no memory of him ever saying “farklempt” in any of his films.A couple of fleeting

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"Harry the Hat" on CHEERS

Here are your Friday questions and answers and a note: For all those of you who asked me to go into more detail on my Moe encounter, I'm writing that now and will post it tonight. Brian wonders:Did you write any episodes with "Harry The Hat"? I'm reading his book "Games you can't loose", and the first one in his book is the one he pulled on Cliff - "I bet I can drink this drink without touching

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Driving Moe Howard

Here's another excerpt from the book I'm writing on growing up in the 60s. It's the spring 1969 and I'm a student at UCLA.FRIDAY MORNING UPDATE: For all those of you who asked me to go into more detail on my Moe encounter, I'm writing that now and will post it tonight. Taking Italian “Pass/Fail” allowed me to barely pass and satisfy the language requirement. But I still speak it worse than the

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Ernie Harwell

Here’s how valued Ernie Harwell was.Ernie was the long-time voice of the Detroit Tigers. He passed away yesterday way too young at 92. But in 1948 he was broadcasting for the Atlanta Crackers minor league team. Red Barber, the announcer for the Brooklyn Dodgers took sick and the Dodgers needed a replacement. They had heard good things about Ernie so they called the Crackers to see if they

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My answers, AMERICAN IDOL, Shania Twain, Gilligan -- all kinds of stuff today

Tying up some loose ends:I haven’t been reviewing AMERICAN IDOL lately because (a) I’ve been covering Dodger games at night and don’t get home until after midnight, and (b) the show is less fun when there are just a few contestants. But I’ll still recap one or two before the season is over. I’m curious to see how they do this week singing Sinatra. Hopefully one of the 18 year olds will sing “

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April in New York

From the Queen's City to Queens, this is part 2 of my recent road trip with the Dodgers. Part one was yesterday.We dropped two of three to the struggling Nationals and headed for Gotham. Instead of flying, the Dodgers chartered a train. That way we didn’t have to stop in Trenton. I love train travel. It’s great fun to look out the window (with my one good eye) and see places I’ve never seen

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April in Cincinnati and Washington...

Back from a road trip with the Dodgers that took us to Cincinnati, Washington D.C., and New York. As always, I file a hopefully amusing travelogue. Cincy and DC today and NY tomorrow.I’m still nursing a swollen cornea so had to bring along seven different eye drops. One had to always be refrigerated so I was forever schepping a travel mug filled with ice and scrambling to find refrigerators

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The "Who, What, or Which" game (that I just made up)

I did this originally as a Tweet but thought it might expand into a fun readership-participation post. This is the kind of crap you'll get if you follow me on Twitter. You don't have to answer them all. Who, what or which?Who is more famous? John Denver or Bob DenverWho was better on CHEERS? Shelley Long or Kirstie Alley?Which show was better? THE BOB NEWHART SHOW or NEWHART?What show is

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First of May -- Jonathan Coulton

I can't think of a better way of welcoming in the spring. You'll be forwarding this I can almost guarantee. Thanks to my daughter Annie for alerting me to this joyous song.

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